Anger is a common behavior among parents and children and can be problematic when it begins to be inappropriately used.Anger is a universal experience of parents and children and is uncomfortable when it becomes inappropriately used.
Deal with parent anger management in a positive way. Develop triggers, regulation skills and repair skills. A guide to be the cool parent they wish to be.
Your child has a spill of juice on the carpet. Suddenly, you’re yelling. Your face is hot. You’re saying things that you don’t want to say. Later, you feel bad.Later, you are embarrassed.
It’s not a parenting issue. It’s the uncontrolled triggers and malfunctioning.
The good news is: You can learn how to deal with your anger! It begins with putting yourself first.
Why Parents Get Angry (And It’s Not Your Child’s Fault)
Your 7-year-old’s mess sets off uncontrollable rage in you that you didn’t know existed. Why?
Sometimes it isn’t “about them. It’s about:
- Not what you had hoped for: A quiet morning. They’re being chaotic. When they don’t match up, they become frustrated.
- Lack of energy & exhaustion: You are on empty fuel. You don’t need to further dysregulate your nervous system. It’s the little that makes the big.
- Patterns across generations: When parents scolded you when you were unwashed. You are doing the same now! Your repeating is happening subconsciously as you are mimicking the model.
- Suppressed emotions: You didn’t feel very good today. You are stressed out about work, your relationship and money. Your child takes the place.
- Being ignored, treated disrespectfully; Your child doesn’t listen to you. You feel powerless. Anger is the answer to being powerless.
Step 1: Identify Your Anger Triggers
What are the circumstances that cause you to become angry?
Common parental triggers:
- When someone does not listen (repeated requests are not listened to)
- Disorder and chaos (out of control).
- Disrespect/attitude (feeling disrespected)
- Interruptions during work
- Mealtimes going wrong
- Bedtime chaos
- Sibling fighting
List the top 3 triggers.
Ask: Where do you think this trigger came from? (Usually childhood.)
I’ll get angry with my children when they don’t listen to me, my parents didn’t listen to me, I promise to be different. When my kids don’t listen it brings up that old wound.
Knowing is the first step.
Step 2: Recognize Your Anger Escalation Pattern
There’s a reason for anger. It escalates.
One of your patterns could be:
- Irritation (first request)
- Frustration (second request)
- Anger (third request)
- Rage (They do it, they do it and now it’s too late)
Take action as early as possible, that is, at the point of irritation and/or frustration. Make sure to not wait until you feel angered.
How?
- Avoid: Tight shoulders, reddening face, teeth clenching
- Be aware of thoughts: ‘They’re not listening’, ‘Why do I have to say that again?
- Pay attention to the alteration in your voice’s tone
These are the warning signs. Intervene here.
Step 3: Use the Pause Technique
When you start to become angry:
PAUSE (15-30 seconds)
Do one of:
- Strategies: 4-7-8 breathing, activate calm nervous system while breathing in for 4, hold for 7, and then breathe out for 8.
- Take down soaking of the face or running of cold water on the wrists.Soaking of face or cold water on wrists.
- Get out of the room: “I need to get away for a moment. I will be back shortly.
- Count to 10 slowly
- To help get the blood flowing in your body, shake out, stretch a little,
The Objectives: Catch the anger escalation in the process before you do anything.
Step 4: Examine What’s Actually Happening
Pause. Now ask yourself:
- What I’m really upset about? Is it really the broken milk? Or is it that you feel no matter what you do, people won’t listen and you are at your capacity?
- What is my child in need of from me at this time? It’s not what they deserve to do, but what they do. Their needs, not their wants. (Unless it’s patience and guidance, rather than anger.)
- “What do I need?” Maybe a break. Maybe support. Perhaps, as a way of signaling that you are exhausted.
When you know in your heart that it’s not about them, often your anger fades.
Step 5: Respond (Not React)
When you are feeling relaxed:
What do you have against you?!” You’re so careless!” Say: The juice has split, let’s put it back together again, next time I will help you carry the juice.
You are not punishing, you’re teaching. You don’t have to be crazy.
Step 6: Repair After You’ve Yelled
It will be out of your reach at times. That’s human.
Repair is crucial:
Same day (when all were at ease):
- Go to your child
- Make eye contact
- Earlier I shouted and that’s not acceptable, it’s the cause of frustration and that’s me’s responsibility, not yours. I am sorry.
- What are your feelings about you?
- What can I do to ease the situation?
Then: hug, connect and move forward.
As your child learns to repair, he learns that:
- Adults make mistakes
- Repair is possible
- Relationships can heal
- You are not perfect, you’re human
Longer-Term Strategies
Get support:
- Processing: Your own childhood (Therapy)
- Parenting classes (new tools learnt)
- You’re not alone (community)
Manage your baseline:
- Sleep (non-negotiable)
- Exercise (burns stress)
- Nutrition (mood regulation)
- Time to rest (prevents depletion)
Identify and reflect on patterns in generations:
- Which of the following forms of anger did you see in childhood?
- What did you pledge you’d do differently?
- What place are you repeating the pattern in?
The best gift you can give your child is to heal their triggers.
Key Takeaway:
Anger is not a bad thing for parents. It’s a warning sign that something needs to be done – it could be your triggers, it could be your depletion, it may be a generational pattern.
If you are regulating your own nervous system, you can demonstrate to your child how to do it. This, indeed, is the parent’s dream come true.
The words “warm, dry, and clean” are repeated frequently in this text.You can see that the word “warm, dry and clean” occurs often in this text.
