You go to the store with your 3 year old child, and he wants a toy. You say no and all of a sudden they’re on the floor, screaming, crying, throwing themselves around. Everyone’s staring. Your face is hot. You want to yell.
But you don’t. Rather, you inhale. You crouch down. You stay calm. In no time at all, the storm disappears.
This isn’t magic. It is knowing what tantrums are and how to stop tantrums by being calm, rather than chaotic, when dealing with them.
What’s Actually Happening During a Tantrum
A tantrum is NOT manipulation or misbehaviour. Your kid’s nervous system is overloaded.
Their front part of the brain (thinking part) doesn’t function properly. Amygdala (Alarm System) is yelling. For the time being, they simply cannot listen to your rationale.
How they feel: Does it feel as though you are here with me? Am I safe? Are you able to deal with this?
You say: Yes, you’re safe, because you are calm. Yes, I’m able to take care of this. I’m here.
This parenting guide offers parents step-by-step techniques to help them handle their child’s tantrums without yelling.
Step-by-Step Guide to Handling Tantrums Without Yelling
STEP 1: Take a Pause of Your Own Reaction (15 seconds)
As soon as you notice you are getting angry:
- Breathe deeply (in for 4 and out for 4)
- Return to your mind “this is not about me, my child’s brain is flooded.
- Say to yourself: “I’m the adult, I’m going to make myself feel calm.
You have to regulate in order for your child to regulate.
STEP 2: Check Safety
First off: Has your child been harmed? Are there hazards?
Gently move them away from furniture if they are flapping about in danger. Safety, judgement free!
STEP 3: Let go of the past and the future (don’t forget them)
This is crucial. It is not necessary that your child understand logic at this time. They need YOU.
Sit nearby. Stay calm. Keep to a minimum on talking. You are the comforting word: “I’m here. You’re safe. This will pass.
STEP 4: Provide Physical Comfort (if desired)
Some children are seeking to be carried. Some require a bit of space, but not a lot. Go with the flow of your child.
In the event of their wishing to be detained:
- Hold them securely and carefully
- Speak comforting words: “I am here. I’ve got you. This will be okay.
No need to say a word – your body is relaxed doing all the work.
If they want space:
- Sit nearby
- Be in a calm and neutral state (don’t be a frustrated or angry face)
- Allow them to say how they feel.Allow them to express emotions.
STEP 5: No talking (negotiating) or explaining during the tantrum
Right now is not the time for logic. They can’t hear it.
Don’t say:
- Stop crying, you’re OK.
- “That’s foolish, it’s a toy.”
- that now, stop!
These give rise to feelings and shame.
STEP 6: Storm passes (usually 5-15 minutes)
Toddler tantrums will usually pass. Of course, your child will settle down when his/her nervous system gets back to normal.
You will know you are successful when you see: reduced crying, breathing rate decreases, they start to focus again.
Calm – Connect (not correct).
Once they’re calm:
- Come up to and look at someone
- Ugh that was really hard, you were so upset.
- Give Support: hug, water, presence
NOT: “You don’t listen, you see what happens? (This is shaming.)
Correct and then Teach Later (After Connection).
Scripts to Use During Tantrums
When they’re overwhelmed:
- “Big feelings, here I am.”
- “It’s OK, I’ve got you.”
- Feeling angry/sad is OK.
If they are requesting something you have said ‘no’ to:
- I understand that you want it. I understand that your feelings are okay. But it’s still no.
- “That makes sense, you’re disappointed.
While they are kicking/throwing objects:
- [He says] “I can’t let you do something that will hurt you. Let’s get over to here where it’s safe.
Once they have calmed down:
- “That was hard. What happened?”
- Let them know, “Tell me what you needed.
If this is the case, you can then explain that you don’t have to (so the answer is no).
Why Yelling Makes It Worse
When you yell:
- Your child’s nervous system is communicating: “DANGER! “Mom/dad is dys-regulated as well”!
- Their amygdala cries out higher
- The tantrum escalates
- They learn: This is too much to handle, I don’t know how to deal with this.
When you stay calm:
- Your nervous system is saying: “Safe, I can handle large emotions.
- After a while, their body gets accustomed to
- The tantrum resolves
- They learn: “my feelings are OK, I can handle this,
What If You Do Yell? (You’re Human)
You can find the times when you yell. That’s normal.
Repair later:
I was yelling at you and that was not ok, I was frustrated, it’s my job to manage and I’m sorry. Can we hug?”
This brings the message: Things go wrong, they can be fixed, and relationships matter.
Key Takeaway:
Toddler tantrums are not behaviours to be punished. They’re too much on overwrought nerves to cope with. The most important is you, you are in control, the most important, more important than any discipline technique you are, you are here, presence is non-threatening, calm.
Your toddler will learn to regulate quicker as you go through your efforts to keep him calm during tantrums. The more comfortable you will feel in your home.
These toddler tantrums solutions help parents understand emotions better while learning how to stop tantrums without fear, shame, or yelling.
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