Parents were extremely strict with you. You got punished for disobedience. Emotions kept private. So did you come out fine?
Maybe, but you preferred to do it differently with your kids, though. The term “conscious parenting” grabs your ear, and you ask yourself, “Is it too ‘free’? Will my kids get used right? Or, does there exist any research in favor of another way?
Let’s examine the facts of the situation with respect to research.
What is Strict Parenting?
When a child is raised in a strict manner, a few things will be done:
- High control: Rules explained but not elaborated on. “If I say so.
- Low warmth: A feeling of separation. Relationship is not the most important thing, it’s rules.
- Consequences is the main tool used: Punishment focused.
- Obedience: Children obey without questioning.
- Emotion suppression: “Don’t cry, big kid.Emotion suppression: “Big kids don’t cry”. Feelings are problematic.
Intention is generally well-intentioned: “I want my child to be disciplined and respectful.
What is Conscious Parenting?
There are some common characteristics to conscious parenting, such as:
- Clear boundaries: Rules are in place but there is explanation and collaboration.
- High warmth + high expectations: “I love you AND I have boundaries.
- Relationship is the foundation – connection before correction.
- Autonomy within boundaries: Children’s choices are in the limits.
- The ability to describe emotions: All emotions are acceptable; behaviour is the place to deal with it.
- Self awareness: Parents keep their own triggers under control.
Goal: To make sure my child is responsible, respectful, AND emotionally healthy.
The Research: What Actually Works Long-Term
To ensure that specific parenting goals are achieved.To guarantee specific parenting outcomes (short-term):
- Children respond instantly
- There are very few behaviour issues visible
- There are clear expectations
Involves very strict outcomes which are long-term.
- more anxiety and depression
- more rebellion as a teen
- less self-esteem
- less internalized values, obedience based on fear of consequences more than values
- less ability to manage emotions
- more secretive (hiding things from parents)
Why? Children obey rules due to fear, not understanding or agreement. Once the supervision from parents is removed (college, adulthood), behaviour changes.
Agreeing on shared parenting goals.Shared parenting goals (short-term):
- More time taken (needs more explanation/negotiation)
- Less immediate obedience
- Additional inquiries by children
Conscious Parenting Outcomes: Long-term:
- Increased self-esteem and confidence
- Better emotional regulation
- Increased internal motivation (not based on fear)
- Better relationships with parents and peers
- Decreased anxiety and depression
- Greater honesty with parents
- Improved decision making as teens and adults
- Resilience and problem solving skills
Why? Children are aware of the importance of rules. They formulate values of their own. They make appropriate decisions in the absence of supervision.
A Key Study: Diana Baumrind’s Parenting Styles
Psychologist Diana Baumrind researched parenting practices and results:
Authoritarian (Strict) Parenting:
- High Control, Low Warmth
- Short-term: obedient kids
- Long-term: nervous, un creative, low self-esteem
Permissive Parenting:
- High control, high warmth (invitations to learning)
- Short-term: happy kids
- Long-term: problems with boundaries, poor attainment.
Authoritative (Conscious) Parenting:
- Positive emotion, boundaries, and control (high + high)
- Short-term: Children ask questions more, listen and act less.
- Long-term: confident, competent, socially skilled and high achievement.
The result: Authoritative (conscious) parent style had the most positive results on all measures.
The “I Turned Out Fine” Question
You may have had a strict upbringing and think you did fine.You may have felt that you were a good child of a strict parent. That might be true. But consider:
- Were you sometimes anxious, perfectionistic, and/or people-pleasing?
- Have problems with taking decisions?
- Have difficulties recognizing your emotions?
- Have you ever lied to your parents?
Stricter parents instilled coping skills in their children that are fine for them, but come at a price.
Conscious parenting is NOT about blaming your parents! It is a matter of making other choices for your children’s lives – choices that are supportive and set limits.
The Middle Ground (Most Realistic)
No parent is a “permissive” 100% and no parent is “strict” 100%.
For most of us, there is a spectrum in between. The query: Do we pend on strict or do we pend on conscious?
Strict-leaning example:
- “Because I said so (No explanation given)”
- Yelling as ‘main’ discipline.
- Emotions dismissed
- Obedience = success
Conscious-leaning example:
- Here’s why and here’s your choice!
- Connection before correction
- Emotions are acknowledged and behaviour dealt with.
- Responsibility = success
The research indicates that: When the individual leans conscious, better results are achieved.
What Conscious Parenting is NOT
First, let’s make it clear that what is mixed up:
Conscious parenting ≠ Permissive parenting
Unconscious parents:
- Do not have boundaries
- Say yes to everything
- Take no responsibility for consequences
- Do not have boundaries
- No more “do as you please”
- No more “hard” conversations avoided
- No more saying “yes” to all things
A conscious parent says, “No you can’t stay up all night, here is why, here is what will happen, I know you are disappointed, I am the parent.
Practical Comparison
Behavior: Avoids entire meal or only eats part of it.Effect: Meals are not eaten.
Strict approach:
“You will eat or you will not eat, no talking about it.
(Result: to eat out of fear or obedience and not learn about nutrition or body awareness)
Permissive approach:
“Okay, I’ll make you something else.”
(Result: no boundaries, kid does NOT learn to try new things)
Conscious approach:
“Dinner is what we are eating, don’t necessarily have to like it, but you need to try it. What is making this difficult?
(Outcome: boundary was maintained, used to ask questions about what happened to child, learnt that it is okay to try something new that might be frightening)
Generational Healing
If you raised in a strict manner, conscious parenting is to change the pattern. It’s not:
- Rejecting your parents
- Saying their way” was considered “wrong”
- Being permissive in response
It’s: selecting another way that respects self-limits and emotional relationships.
This proves more difficult, in fact, than it is to recount experiences. However, studies have indicated that it’s worthwhile.
Key Takeaway:
Numerous studies have found that well-bounded + warm + respectful kids are more confident, emotionally healthy + internally motivated.
Obedience is the result of strict parenting. Responsibility and resilience are the result of conscious parenting.
